on birthdays
i am typing one-handed. peanut is asleep on my arm. i've had my first coffee - delivered to me in bed by a man who is patient and handsome and who is crazy in love with me. i have SUCH a good life. the budget is getting tight, but the tradeoff is that i get to stay home and care for commander queso, and i like that. i don't get much done, but i am enjoying watching these days go by in his life. the panic has subsided and i'm really liking this motherhood thing. he is a magic little being, and it's more fun now that he laughs and smiles. and that some of his smiles are because he sees me.
i'm still a bit freaked out by the loss of anything remotely resembling my old life, but i can see now that this period of tiny is soooo short. there will be time later for what needs to happen. it's ok that it's not about me (well - most days) and the only thing i still actively wonk out over is worrying about my relationship with B. but he is kind, and there is a lot of love, and he is all about being a dad. so, we'll all get by and come out the other side. i hope. i worry about buck not getting enough attention too, but that will swing back the other way, and i am hoping to get him off to play with his buddies at fun farm later this week.
my black eye is purpling-up quite well today. i tripped over a chair at ms annick's pad, and while i did save the pitcher of sweet tea i was carrying, my face and my glasses (having been smashed into another chair on the way down) are a bit worse for wear. broke my glasses and gave myself a shiner. if i had the usual stupid amount of money for new glasses i'd be just fine with it, but i don't. so, i'm just hoping we can avoid going to sears for the next pair. ack. i've never spent more than $40 for a pair of jeans, but eyewear is another story. and it's difficult to take one for the team when it comes to something that is such an integral part of what people see of me. i haven't figured out how i am going to finance the lovely frames i want. maybe they have dishes that need doing... the obvious thing would be to pick up a little freelance work. we'll see.
and so... birthday thoughts. i was really trying to just ignore the actual date so i could slide by this one. but people get so upset about things like that. when i say do NOT tell me what day it is they do just that. so. here we are. (i was really hoping, on maybe june first, to be able to say "whoops, my birthday was the other day".)
as most people who know me know, i was adopted. i do have a tiny bit of info about my birthparents and i've done some looking over the years. i thought having my own child would make me want to find them even more. i've never known actual blood relatives before. as it turns out, it's the opposite. in no way do i resent my birthmother for making a very hard choice, i've had a fortunate life. but if anything the desire to find my birthparents has quieted down. i realize how little it takes to get to the 9 month mark. of course it's a huge choice to give up your child for adoption (but i do understand it, she was 17), but you don't have to DO much to get to the point of giving birth. what comes after that is where it gets interesting. and for that, my parents are my parents. they were the ones who stayed up with me when i was sick, took care of me, drove me to soccer practice, were patient with whatever wacky idea i had at any given time. and that is where the realness comes in. there is no "real" mom or dad to find, i know right where they are.
life is interesting now. for better or worse (and like the chinese curse). but it's mine, here i am. another year older. and fortunate to be here. happy that i made it through the hormones of pregnancy and the first few weeks.
and with all of that, i'm going to have a little nap before my dear friend annick and i head off for a bit of a ferry ride and yarn petting expedition on my natal day. then soul food with friends tonight. thanks to the people out there who read this and support me, whether i've actually met you or not. connections with friends are part of the being fortunate bit. :)