we stopped at perfect days
last night some of the crying came back. the old days seemed far away, in the worst possible sense. one of the things i love about my life is the closeness that b. and i have. it's a lovely relationship, and we have always had great fun together and communicated very well, and shared so much warmth. lately (granted, very very lately) it seems that there is less time for care and feeding of our bond, and in my mind that is crucial to the bug's well being as well as ours. we have to take care of us to provide the right sort of environment for a little one, on many levels.
so, last night in the shower the narrative kicked in, the one that is a mix of joan didion / richard brautigan / bill bryson / and possibly some dickens thrown in. the narrative would begin "when i was young, i never understood why my mother would have her vegas days, or why she always had that look in her eye when my father came home from work. on bad days she would get in the car and just drive, she would get the west coast map out and lay it on the front seat and talk about how far she could drive in one shot."
i love joan, really love her. the one thing i got from the first time in college, the one i didn't even report to the second college, was a knowledge of joan didion. it was worth it for that. for reading play it as it lays and really understanding some additional level of the southern california psyche.
anyway. i'm not depressed, and things are ok. at least relatively. it's not that. i deeply love my family, i just want to really be able to take care of them. and i don't want the overwhelmingness of the bug to have catastrophic effects on the "marriage". but i know this is the hard part. and i know we can do it. sometimes though, i do get worried. and i want at least a little of the old life back. not the joan-worthy 3 day parties in LA, or even the glorious freedom to spend a couple weeks in Paris alone, just the time to take care of connections with loved ones.
it's small steps right now. for the moment bug is sleeping next to the bed (in the cradle) instead of in the middle of the bed between us in his car seat (yes it's possible, no it's not comfortable). so at least once again we can fall asleep feeling like we are in the same bed. that's a really nice feeling. small steps.
i wish i could take a picture right now. the bug is on my lap, sleeping, leaning back into the space between my left arm and my body, his left arm is along the top of mine, his hand resting on the top of my hand, asleep in the mommy lounge chair, limp and warm and content.
we stopped at perfect days and got out of the car.*
* you should know the quote.
Comments
It takes a while, but it gets so much better.
Take opportunities to get away. You really need them.
Posted by: Makayla | April 28, 2007 08:56 PM
Every new mother that I have talked with seems to go through this. Some of the best mothers that I know have questioned things at this stage. Totally natural, and totally goes away.
Be assured, B sees you. Really sees you, and he will continue to all the days of your life. There is no gift more precious than a mate that sees you.
Posted by: Donna | April 30, 2007 11:25 PM
just stumbled upon your blog via...someone else's. haha, i'm not even sure where i was directly prior to you. anyway, thats beside the point!
i had my little one in november, and i could have written your post then. that tiny little voice making you wonder if it will ever be the same between you and your husband. i, too, have that lovely, warm, fun, good communicating relationship with my hubby...and trust me, your relationship will return to something very closely resembling what you had before your little guy came along.
it takes a little while, my guy is almost 6 months old, and i think we're finally getting there. but, the times that you are describing were fleeting for us. it just takes some time to get your groove back, there is an extra body in the house after all! :)
take care. enjoy each minute of precious sleep you get.
Posted by: tinytwig | May 3, 2007 03:13 PM
I remember feeling a little loss, a little sad, at the way it used to be.it does get better, you'll feel more at home in this new skin your in, as a mom, and b will too. they never seem to write about this side of it in parenting magazines, or at least I felt that way 18 years ago.There's no right or wrong way to do this,it's pretty much learn as you go, for eventually the old days will be a lovely footnote, to add to these new days.
hang in there.
Posted by: tracy | May 10, 2007 07:43 AM