last night some of the crying came back. the old days seemed far away, in the worst possible sense. one of the things i love about my life is the closeness that b. and i have. it's a lovely relationship, and we have always had great fun together and communicated very well, and shared so much warmth. lately (granted, very very lately) it seems that there is less time for care and feeding of our bond, and in my mind that is crucial to the bug's well being as well as ours. we have to take care of us to provide the right sort of environment for a little one, on many levels.

so, last night in the shower the narrative kicked in, the one that is a mix of joan didion / richard brautigan / bill bryson / and possibly some dickens thrown in. the narrative would begin "when i was young, i never understood why my mother would have her vegas days, or why she always had that look in her eye when my father came home from work. on bad days she would get in the car and just drive, she would get the west coast map out and lay it on the front seat and talk about how far she could drive in one shot."

i love joan, really love her. the one thing i got from the first time in college, the one i didn't even report to the second college, was a knowledge of joan didion. it was worth it for that. for reading play it as it lays and really understanding some additional level of the southern california psyche.

anyway. i'm not depressed, and things are ok. at least relatively. it's not that. i deeply love my family, i just want to really be able to take care of them. and i don't want the overwhelmingness of the bug to have catastrophic effects on the "marriage". but i know this is the hard part. and i know we can do it. sometimes though, i do get worried. and i want at least a little of the old life back. not the joan-worthy 3 day parties in LA, or even the glorious freedom to spend a couple weeks in Paris alone, just the time to take care of connections with loved ones.

it's small steps right now. for the moment bug is sleeping next to the bed (in the cradle) instead of in the middle of the bed between us in his car seat (yes it's possible, no it's not comfortable). so at least once again we can fall asleep feeling like we are in the same bed. that's a really nice feeling. small steps.

i wish i could take a picture right now. the bug is on my lap, sleeping, leaning back into the space between my left arm and my body, his left arm is along the top of mine, his hand resting on the top of my hand, asleep in the mommy lounge chair, limp and warm and content.

we stopped at perfect days and got out of the car.*

* you should know the quote.

Posted by talkingcrow at 08:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

he keeps growing and changing. even now, time flies.

Posted by talkingcrow at 01:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

i have time on my hands. although, perhaps, not so literally. i have a lot of feeding time, time where typing with one hand gets old. so i'm thinking to myself, i can't really knit, what could i DO.

i've heard of these flat things that don't require electricity. i seem to remember them from years ago, i'm going to re-investigate. in fact, i think we have about 6,438 of the flat things. books i believe they are called...

Posted by talkingcrow at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

seriously. i wonder if i could make some money with keywords on a poop blog. dooce went the way of the mommy blog, other friends are trying hard to make some money on a blog about nothing (that reads like dooce is a friend, and while we have exchanged the occasional email and there was a thing about a britney cardboard standee many years ago, i wouldn't say we are friends exactly).

so, the poop blog. maybe it will just be a category. it might be one with a guest poster so that brian and i can both post and try to out-poop each other. brian's best so far is the peanut spraying the wall next to the changing table with poop. my best so far is going through 3 diapers in a row culminating in the peanut pooping yellow mustard soup into my hand. a big yellow handful. yup.

i'd love to tell y'all about some normal life kind of thing, but this stuff is all i've got.

Posted by talkingcrow at 08:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

this is so lovely. my guys.

Posted by talkingcrow at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Gassy smiles, happy boob smiles (he tends to break out into huge smiles half-asleep wtih a boob in his mouth)... I'll take what I can get, but I think I got a real smile today from the peanut when I was doing a raspberry at him. You can never be sure, I think, about the first, since he's a smiley kid, but I'm going to claim the first smile today. We also did his first in-the-big-tub bath today. Once he figured out that it was warm and he was safe he loved the warm water. And if the pictures are any indication, he didn't mind the "pillows" behind his head either. hahaha.

We do indeed have an adorable little guy. Longer posts returning soon. But probably on limited topics. And I WILL have weekly pics on Flickr if it kills me. We are lame on that front.

Posted by talkingcrow at 07:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)