still recouperating, listening to good radio from other states (KCRW), generally enjoying the sun shining, i had a pang. one of those pangs where you realize something has changed. one of the songs that was on reminded me of something else. the something else was something that would have normally put me into a mood of longing and angst. i spent so many many years embracing that indefinite and shifting yearning - and i realize now it's gone. it was such a comfortable friend. most frequently it was tied to some impossible version of distant love based on a made-up reality in my head. but it could be about all kinds of things. but it was the kind that could cause a tightening in your chest, or a good sunday afternoon paralyzing pyschic ache.

it doesn't work anymore. i've lost my angst. and i have a little angst about that.

it's not that i'm all flowers and cute japanese toys now. it's just that my own particular brand of sunday ache is gone. it snuck out the door. there are still things that consume me. i still want to make a difference, although perhaps on a lesser scale than in my 20's (on the other hand, in my 20's my head was up my ass). i worry about love, but i worry most not that i will find it (got that covered in a glorious way) but that i am taking care of it enough. i want us both to be happy, really happy, and also continue to grow and bloom. i want us to be amazing people in our own way, and to feel complete, cared for, creative, appreciated and encouraged.

i miss that in a way. life changes though. i feel lucky. i have a good life. wanting that back would be like wanting to go back to being 15. and i think most people leave that angst much earlier in their life than i did. for the most part i'm more comfortable these days, in my body, in my head. i don't want to be 15 again. i don't want to be 25 again either. i guess i'm ok where i am.